In some situations the problems with the relationship are not obvious on the surface. Everything seems to be fine as the couples go about their own business. What you can’t see is the growing pile of small hurts that are being accumulated in the back of your partner’s mind. When the pile gets too big the person realizes they are simply miserable and this can lead to break-up.
Not all problems between couples are consists of big arguments and callous activities. Some relationships get into trouble because one person begins to get tired of always feeling hurt or neglected. The hurts may be small ones, but they can build into a wall of anger or resentment that is damaging to a relationship. If you looked at the list of hurts it might not even look as if it’s really worth the trouble of making. But when you start to think in terms of each hurt or offense happening dozens of times, it is easier to see how one of the partners can finally decide they have had enough.
One of the quickest routes to a break-up is when one of the partners begins to hold grudges against the other. A grudge is when you don’t forgive someone for a perceived hurt. For example, when your partner forgets your birthday it may be hard for you to forgive because you always make sure his birthday is celebrated. It is the small hurts which can cause you to feel unimportant to your partner.
Small daily hurts include things like forgetting to let you know he would be late for dinner after you spent 2 hours cooking. The first few times were forgiven but when it continues to happen it indicates a lack of respect. That hurts. Your partner criticizes you all the time. That hurts. Your partner makes important decisions without your input. That hurts.
One after another the hurts pile up until their weight becomes unbearable the whole pile topples down. When that happens the chances are that there will suddenly be a major emotional explosion that takes your partner by complete surprise. Of course, sometimes there were signs this was coming. When one of the partners gets sullen for no apparent reason or appears to be unhappy with no explanation, he or she is probably nursing plenty of hurts or grudges.
You can’t have a healthy relationship and nurse grudges and refuse to forgive. This is not to say you are supposed to endure the hurts without saying anything. In fact, quite the opposite is true. You do need to talk about the hurts and then explain why they hurt. By beginning a dialogue with your partner you are able to give expression to your needs and feelings so your partner understands how his or her actions are impacting the relationship.
Learning to forgive can take practice. It is a process of letting go. You have to let go of the negative emotions and feelings. You have to let go of the memories of the hurt. You have to let go of the past and move forward with the belief that the relationship is solid and healthy. You should never let small grudges pile up until they become a major problem.
Getting Counseling Support
When a couple has been together for a while, they learn to hide the true nature of their relationship from their partners and the rest of the world. What the hurting partner doesn’t realize is that he or she is not alone. Couples everywhere struggle with the day to day hurts that can eventually inflict so much pain. If the hurting person would take advantage of their support system they would find they are not alone at all.
A person who feels they can’t forgive their partner should seek relationship counseling. When you can’t forgive there is no way the hurts can be erased. That means you are never seeking a solution to the problem. If you don’t want to talk to a counselor right away then you should talk to your partner first. It may be that your partner simply did not realize that you were feeling so bad about the relationship. Once you begin talking about the problems and f8ind ways to address them then it will feel like a tremendous load has been lifted.
Small hurts may be small, but they can be just as painful as the larger ones. In order to change a course leading to break-up, you can erase those hurts and learn how to forgive. It’s a lesson you will carry with you through a stronger relationship.