Why Did You Break Up?
The most important step towards winning back your ex is to assess the cause(s) of your breakup, and what you can do to prevent them from recurring in the future. Getting back together is only one part of reconciliation. You also need to make sure that whatever caused the breakup in the first place will not happen again, because no relationship is worth saving if it is simply going to end again in the future.
Breakups rarely occur because of a single major event. With the possible exception of infidelity, most breakups occur due to a variety of common and prolonged problems that may have been occurring without your knowledge. Even if it appears as though the breakup was due to a single, large fight, relationships that do not have a variety of minor problems are usually strong enough to withstand the fight. It is the weaker relationships that most often suffer.
Causes of Breakups
The most common cause of breakups is a lack of affection. Both men and women want to feel as though they are special, and affection is the one tool you have in a relationship that will constantly reinforce how important your partner is to you.
Affection is not simply buying expensive gifts and telling your partner how much you love them. It is smaller things as well, such as holding your partner’s hand when they are feeling uncomfortable, and kissing your partner’s cheek when there is no reason to. It is affection that causes most breakups, just as it is affection that helps most couples get back together.
Other causes of breakups may include:
- Poor communication
Among a multitude of other problems that may have seemed minor at the time, but have been a constant source of stress for your partner since the moment they start occurring.
Reflecting on Your Relationship
You need to take a moment for some self reflection. Consider asking yourself questions about how you acted in the relationship and what you may have done to make your partner doubt the strength of your relationship:
- Did you roll your eyes at your partner’s suggestions?
- Did you constantly correct your partner, even when it was not needed?
- Did you ignore your partner in favor of your friends or even your family?
By asking yourself questions like this about the state of your relationship, you are addressing things you may have overlooked during the time that you two were together. It is only by recognizing the things that you did to damage your relationship that you can go about doing the things you need to do to both fix it and maintain it.
Remember, a relationship is only worth saving when saving it is going to stick. If you cannot recognize the things you did to harm the relationship, you will have a difficult time keeping the relationship together once you reconcile with your ex, and you will be exactly where you are today once again.
How Strong Was Your Relationship?
Even though you may be surprised that you have broken up, it is not uncommon for there to have been warning signs that the relationship was not as strong as you had believed. Some of these warning signs are very subtle, and you may not remember if you saw them even now that you reflect on it, but they can be good ways to test how strong your relationship was before it ended.
Signs That You May Have Had A Weaker Relationship
Lack of grooming
It sounds silly at first, but human beings like all animals have the innate desire to groom their mates when they are in love with them. You see a similar behavior in monkeys, where one monkey will pick dirt and things from its mate as it sits with them. Humans do this too. When someone falls for someone else, it is not uncommon to see them picking off lint or dirt from their partner’s skin, sometimes without realizing it is occurring. If you have been together a long time, and you are convinced that grooming never occurred, you may not have had as strong a relationship as you had previously believed.
Eye rolling is an interesting way that human beings express ambivalence or disgust towards the speech or actions of another. It is only sort of under our control. So when our partner speaks, if we found ourselves rolling our eyes with some regularity, even without us realizing it, there is a good chance we have a weaker relationship.
Another interesting and subtle way to tell if you had a strong relationship is through the language you used to describe yourselves as couples. Strong relationships tend to use combining words, like “we” or “us” to describe opinions, as well as the things that they do together. For example, “We are going to the mall” when someone asks what you, yourself, are doing today. If instead you answered “Jessica/Jimmy and I are probably going to the mall” then your relationship may have been weaker.
Of course, none of these are set in stone. Some couples never groom, regardless of how in love they are, and other people like to clarify who they are talking about rather than use words like “us.” But these subtle clues may be signs your relationship was not as strong as it could have been to begin with, so that you can take that information and figure out how that reflects on both what you think about your relationship and what you can do to get it back.
Why Do Women Leave Relationships?
Each relationship has its own problem, and no two problems in any relationship are identical. Though similarities may exist between why couples ended their time together, but the way that the problems presented themselves are always going to differ.
That said, men and women tend to differ, and while problems within the relationship may not have anything to do with one’s gender, there are some common reasons that women leave relationships with their partners.
Reasons Women Leave
Taking on projects
Women have an uncanny knack for finding themselves in relationships with men that are not very good in relationships. The common term for this type of male is a “project” – that is, an individual that they hope, over time, will become the man they wish them to become. Clearly there are flaws with this, as a man that already does not handle relationships well is less likely to be a successful partner than one that already is, and so many relationships end when it is realized that the project is unsalvageable.
A little bit of jealousy is not uncommon. After all, it is hard to feel 100% confident in a relationship, especially if there are other problems. But constant jealousy, the type that consumes a person and makes them want their partner to have no other friends, can easily damage a relationship.
Yet another common reason women leave relationships is because their partner is belittling them. Some men have a tendency to pass off their partner’s ideas, thoughts and emotions as though they are unimportant or, at the very least, not as important as his own. Belittling makes a partner feel stupid, and it is a great way to permanently damage a relationship.
Lack of affection
Few women get that upset when a man’s eyes wander to an attractive woman sitting across the way. But all women get upset when they feel as though they could be easily replaced by one of those women. Not showing enough affection almost ways pushes women to leave, no matter how many other good qualities you may have.
Lack of motivation
In this day and age, few people need money to find love. Instead, they want to find someone that shows a drive to be something in life. Whether it is advanced schooling, working hard, or finding interesting hobbies that occupy your time, showing some sort of ambition is important in every relationship, and no motivation can push women to leave.
Lack of personal care
It is far too common for men to stop taking care of themselves when they get comfortable in a relationship, and while most women can forgive someone aging and losing their youthful good looks, but few women can handle a man that purposely lets himself go without the slightest care for his own appearance.
Someone’s gender does not end relationships. If your partner left the relationship, it can be for a wide variety of reasons and may not even fall under one specific category. But many of the examples above are common reasons that women leave relationships, and if you can recognize something that you yourself have done in the past, you will improve your chances of winning back your ex.
Why Men Leave Relationships
Despite how the media likes to portray them, men have emotions, and these emotions can damage your relationships. Even the strongest of men can be hurt, and even the weakest of men can stand up for themselves. Though at times it may seem that men are not as complicated as women, they can still have complexities that get in the way of having a successful relationship.
Men may break up for a variety of reasons. No matter how hard you try to guess what they may be, chances are you will never know all of them for certain, as most men will keep these emotions inside and not openly share them, no matter how much he loves you. But there are some common reasons that men leave relationships as well. Some of these reasons include:
Fear of commitment
Most common in relationships between younger people, men often believe that they need to experience many women before they can be ready to settle down, and this belief can lead to a fear of commitment that can consume the men. Interestingly, it is not uncommon for a man to know that he has found “the one,” and still fear that commitment, as though he needs to experience more life before he is meant to have that feeling.
Men have a great deal of pride, and that pride can be easily damaged by someone that they love. It is tough for males to become vulnerable, and once they do their emotions are in the hands of the person that they care about. If you do things that damage his pride, or you are unable to help him reach a healthy ego, you can push him away to the point of leaving.
It may come as a surprise, but men do like to communicate, albeit in unconventional ways. Things like the “silent treatment” are simply ineffective at getting men to want to change their ways or deal with the fight. It can be hard for men to express their emotions, but it can be even harder for men to sit there and wait for you to finish being mad at them. They may not show it, but they can easily be hurting inside.
There are no limitations to why men decide they want to leave relationships. Though the above list represents a few of the possible scenarios, men, like women, can have a lot of different reasons for being pushed away into the belief that the relationship will no longer work. Be careful not to assume you know all of the reasons, and work towards changing those things that you do know.
Why Not To Rush Renewing Your Relationship
After a breakup, it can seem as though your entire world has collapsed. Maybe you saw it coming, maybe you didn’t. Whatever happened, you need to make sure that you do not try to win back your ex right away. You need to take the risk, and wait until you are ready to do so.
After a breakup, emotion levels are running high. No matter how hard you try to control them, there is a high probability that even thinking about your ex will bring back complicated feelings that will take over your mind and body. When your goal is to win back your ex, these emotions will only get in the way. People that try to win back their ex while still in their most emotional stage have a tendency to:
- Say things they do not mean.
- Become argumentative and get into more fights.
- Become defensive about the reasons your ex broke up with you.
- Heighten your ex’s emotions so that all of the above occurs with them as well.
On the other hand, when you wait to get back with your ex, you have the opportunity to reflect on the relationship and yourself, think about the things you want to say, and figure out a way to say them while still controlling your feelings. You also have the opportunity to make any changes to yourself that you will need to make in order to win back your love.
Another Reason Not to Rush Things
The final reason not to rush back into your relationship is that, in some ways, you do not want your ex to take you back right away. This can seem counter-intuitive. If you know you want to be in a relationship again, why wouldn’t you want to be taken back immediately?
But the reality is that if you are taken back right away, chances are very few things will change in your relationship. You did not need to do any self reflection. Your ex did not miss you any more or less than they did previously. There is little motivation to change anything about the way your relationship was, and you easily run the risk of not only running into similar patterns, but also to have your ex doubt their choice of getting back together (so that if you fight again, even if it is minor, it could easily lead to yet another breakup).
Winning back love takes calm thinking, and is only useful if after you have won it back you are able to keep it. When emotions are running high, it is difficult to say the things you wish to say without starting a fight, and it is even harder to win back your ex. And since your relationship may also be damaged if you win back your ex too quickly, there is simply no reason not to take the risk and wait before attempting to reconcile.
What To Do When You Are Worried Your Ex Will Move On
Earning your relationship back can be a process. It is rarely a good idea to rush completely back into a relationship right away, and since it may take a while to make the necessary chances to your own life that are needed to win back your love, it can take days, weeks, or months before you are ready to win back your ex and start a relationship that will stay strong.
But time has a tendency to hurt your chances at winning back your ex as well. Time will allow your ex to move on themselves, and you run the risk of losing the affection they had for you, as well as moving on to someone else either as a rebound or new relationship.
If you are worried that your ex is going to move on from your relationship before you have a chance to win them back, there is something you can do to make sure that door is kept open.
Tell About Your Plan
In general, it is a good idea to not have a lot of contact with your ex right after the breakup, and it can even be dangerous to your chances of reconciling if you talk to your ex often before you are ready to get back together. But there is one thing you can do that will not harm your chances and may even help them.
Choose a method of contact that is brief and non-aggressive. You want to make sure that you will not be sucked into a long conversation, as you are not trying to reconcile at that moment, but rather you are trying to make sure that the door to reconciling doesn’t close. As a result, you may not want to ask your ex to dinner, where talking can be drawn out. Instead, you can use something like:
- Meeting at a coffee shop before work
- Email (less ideal, but easy to keep the conversation brief)
- Phone (if you are good at talking on the phone)
- Handwritten letter (this can be very useful, because it appears more personal)
Once you have contacted them, it is time to lay out your plan. Keep it brief and to the point, do not talk about what is your fault and what isn’t, do not make excuses, and do not worry about specifics. Instead, simply say something like:
It is my goal to be back with you someday. I have been and will be continuing to work on myself in order to become the [man/woman] that is right for you, and I am committed to do whatever it takes as long as it takes to win back your love again.”
Once you have said what you need to say, that is the end of the conversation. If you have written this in a letter or email, it is ready to send, and if you are on the phone or saying it to them in person, you can end with “I just wanted you to know that” and change the subject. You are not asking to talk about it now. You are simply notifying them that they should keep the door open, because someday you will be walking through it as a newer, better person.
The Importance Of Time In Reconciling A Relationship
One of the trickiest aspects of getting back together is dealing with the concept of time. After the relationship has ended, it can feel as though time stands still, and a few days can drag out to seem as though months have passed. Time is fairly easy to understand on your end – every day feels like too long away from your ex.
On your ex’s side, however, time acts very differently. At some point you will need to contact your ex again in order to talk about your relationship, your chances of getting back together, etc. How your ex perceives time has great effect on how easily you can get back together, and may ultimately be the main decider in whether or not you are able to see each other again.
How Your Ex May Perceive Time
How your ex experiences your time apart makes a large difference on what your first contact will feel like to them. There are several risks associated with the time you take before you contact your ex such as:
- Too early – If your ex feels as though not much/enough time has passed since the breakup, calling too early is only going to push them away more. It will make them feel as though you are being too desperate in your attempts to reconcile, and will help convince them that they made the right decision ending the relationship.
- Too late – If you wait what appears to your ex to be too long, you can easily give the impression that you did not care about the relationship ending, and that you have since experienced no desire to try to salvage the relationship.
In addition to the time it takes you to contact them the first time after a breakup, there is also the matter of how often you contact them after that first time. Still here there are risks that are associated with how long your ex perceives time:
- Too often – If your ex thinks you are contacting them too often, you will quickly be seen as clingy, and will very likely push them away towards moving on more quickly. Though calling 5 times a day may have been acceptable when you were together, once your relationship ended it is easily taboo.
- Not often enough – If you wait a long time in between when you contact your ex, you again run the risk of making your ex feel as though you have moved on, and the calls you are making – however affectionate – are simply courtesy calls that you feel that you need to make.
Unfortunately, there is no way to know for sure how your ex will perceive time. To one, calling after 3 or 5 days may be too soon, while to others, waiting even 48 hours may be too late. You can roughly estimate how your ex perceives time by how upset they were with the breakup, as partners that are taking it very hard themselves are going to be more receptive to your contact than those that coldly tossed you aside. Just be aware that time does play a role, so try to make your best guess as to when and how often your ex wants to hear from you, and be prepared to alter your belief depending on how well they take the contact.
Why You May Want To Date Your Ex Again
It may have taken some time, but at some point you will be ready to start your relationship again with your ex. Once that chance occurs, you have the opportunity to completely restart your relationship from where it left off.
But Is That What You Want to Do?
One thing to remember is that your relationship ended because it was based on a shaky foundation. Relationships that have a strong foundation are able to withstand any fight and overcome any obstacles. Even in the rare chance that you had a strong foundation before your relationship ended, once you get back together, chances are that strength has weakened considerably.
Similarly, if you start your relationship back from where you left off, there is an increased risk that you will fall into the same habits that damaged the relationship in the first place. You will have had no practice putting those personal changes into action in your relationship.
Gaining Back Relationship Strength
That is why the best method of creating a healthy, reconciled relationship is to treat it as though you are dating a new person. No one can deny the history you two share, but by working hard to impress your partner – taking them on dates, being romantic, not assuming that they are going to see you the next day but instead doing what you can to earn it – by treating your relationship like it is a new one, you can build it up from scratch, and create a much stronger foundation that will withstand fights and arguments, and hold under life’s stresses.
You also will have the opportunity to put into action all of those life changes that you planned to make in order to keep your ex after you have won them back. This will get you in the practice of doing the things you need to do to make the relationship work, such as:
- Being more caring
- Being more open
- Being more spontaneous
And all of the other changes that you know must be done to keep your partner this time so that you do not break up again. You worked hard to do the things you needed to do in order to win back love from your ex, but if you don’t continue to put those things into action, you will find yourself single once again, with an even rockier foundation than you had before, and one that this time may not be able to heal.
How Intimacy Can Help Restore A Relationship
Considering how long you two were together, chances are you have been intimate, and it is very likely that your sex life was one of the main reasons that your relationship lasted as long as it did. Couples start to know each other sexually, understanding the likes and dislikes of the partner and making it so that you and your partner’s sex life is more harmonious.
Once you break up, that intimacy stops. While it may not have been at the forefront of why you wanted to save your relationship, chances are that you miss making love to your partner about as much as you miss other aspects of their personality.
That is why after it appears that you have been able to restore your relationship with your partner, you want to try to sleep with your partner as quickly as possible.
Why So Quickly?
Sharing sex with your partner allows your relationship to feel intimate again, and quickly too. It is something that only the two of you share, and it contains a level of affection, intimacy, and vulnerability not seen in many of the other things that you will do to try to reconcile. It is private, it is touchy, and it can make you and your partner feel close once again.
The sooner your sex life restarts, the greater a chance you will have helping your relationship feel as though it has healed once again. It is still a good idea to try to treat other aspects of your relationship carefully, but restarting your sex life can have a powerful effect on restoring your relationship.
On sleeping together quickly
- This technique works better for men trying to get back with women than it does the other way around. If you are a woman trying to get back with a man, how well this method works depends on the degree of affection and intimacy you two shared in the relationship, and how much experience he had before he met you. If your ex is quiet, caring, and not too “manly,” then this method will still work. If your ex feels as though he can “get some” from you while still moving on, the method will not work. If you sleep together and there appears to be no sign of improvement in your relationship, it is best to not do it again until improvement has been shown. Give him something to earn.
- This technique is also only effective if you had an exciting and adventurous sex life. If a poor sex life was one of the reasons that you two ended your relationship, rushing to have sex will only be a reminder of the lack of excitement the two of you experienced in the bedroom.
In some ways it should come as no surprised that sex is one of the best ways to rekindle a broken relationship. It is easily one of the most intimate things you can do, and it fills the mind and body with a great deal of positive emotions that reflect well on you and your partner. If you have the opportunity to make love early on during the reconciliation process, and you are sure that your partner is unlikely to be into the idea of casual sex with their ex, this is a great way to make sure that you are able to restart your relationship right away.
Why Exercising Can Help You Save Your Relationship
In order to salvage your damaged relationship, you will need to change many things about yourself. You will need to be more caring, you will need to pay attention to your partner’s needs, and you will need to show a commitment to making the relationship work.
The goal of all of these changes is to rekindle the attraction your ex once had in you, in order to get them to want to be with you again. Another way to improve your ex’s attraction is by becoming more attractive by taking care of yourself in order to look healthier.
Despite what people will have you believe, both physical and emotional attraction go hand in hand. What you lack in one you can make up for in another, at least a little bit. So while you should work on changing the way you treat your relationship in order to get back with your ex, there are benefits to going to the gym, making yourself more attractive, and showing your ex that you are a different person.
Benefits of Exercising for Your Relationship
Taking care of yourself
All partners are attracted to someone that looks like they care about their own health. By attending a gym or exercising at home, you are showing your ex that you are ready to live a healthy life – one that you would be happy to spend with them.
No matter how much someone claims that physical attraction plays no role in their love, it is simply untrue. Physical attraction always plays some role, even if it is minor. Exercising can help you maintain a sexier body that will impress your ex and help them become attracted to you once again.
When you work towards winning your ex back, you want to show them you are a different person. There is no better way to do that then to look, in a way, like a different person. Exercising allows you to help lose weight or increase muscle size, and when you are ready to try to win back your ex, they will see that there is something different about you right away.
Showing ambition and commitment
Exercising regularly is a sign of commitment and drive – something that may have been lacking in your relationship. It takes energy to get yourself to the gym every day, and if you can consistently do so, you are showing your ex that you have the energy you need to make your relationship work.
Exercising helps you work out energy, relaxes your mind and body, and can help you feel good about yourself. While you may be exercising in order to win back your ex, you should also be exercising for yourself, as you will receive benefits that will make you feel healthier, more energized, and less stressed. That level of contentment with yourself will show through to your ex, which is also likely to increase their attraction to you
Exercising As A Reconciliation Method
Improving your looks is only one small aspect of winning back your ex, but as you can see it has a variety of benefits beyond simply making yourself more physically attractive. It is a good thing to do for yourself, and it will show your ex a commitment to making yourself healthy and well. If you are determined to win back your partner, exercising regularly is a great place to start.