After the break-up, you may fear that you will be all alone for the rest…
You have just broken up with your partner, and now you have been longing to mend your relationship with your ex. After the breakup, you may have realized that he or she was the right person for you. However, there is no need for getting disheartened right away. Many broken relationships have been saved with a little effort and open-mindedness.
First, you’ll need to identify and analyze the issues that led to your breakup. Then, you need to take the necessary steps to address them. Also, make sure that your ex is willing and committed to doing the same. To help you along the way, here’s a guide to fixing a broken relationship after a break up.
1. Maybe The Relationship Came At A Bad Time
Relationships take a hit if either of the partners is not really ready to commit themselves. You may feel ready, but you may not be. Or maybe the relationship came at a bad time. This may happen because you may not be able to handle your professional and personal life at the same time. But, you will have to be fair to yourself and give yourself more time to get used to the demands both the personal and professional lives make on you.
A simple way of doing this is concentrating on your work when you are working, and focusing entirely on your home life when you are at home. You will then be able to handle the pressures of both lives. You will also be able to keep both your boss and your partner happy. When you are at work, your partner will understand and not press you to spend time with him or her. On the other hand, people at your workplace will appreciate your personal concerns and give you enough time to spend with your loved ones.
But if the lack of this balance has been responsible for ruining your relationship, then may be you can call your ex and let him or her know that now you are now ready to handle both lives together. You will have to convince your ex that he or she holds supreme importance in your life, and his or her concerns will not be sacrificed at the altar of work. At the same time, you will do well to explain to your ex the importance of your work. Make him or her understand that you are working hard to give both of you a good life.
If work takes you away from your loved one for long periods of time, you can offer him or her to spend more time together when you are not working. If this arrangement cannot be worked out, then you should remember to call your ex more often. Tell them that you miss him or her. Buy a small gift for your ex. This gift could be a box of chocolates, tickets to a movie or opera over the weekend, or just some flowers. This is sure to make your ex realize how much you value him or her. These steps will also bring out your romantic side which you may have forgotten earlier due to the pressure of work.
On the other hand, if you have the one in the relationship to suffer because of your partner’s workload, then you can mend a broken relationship by trying to be more understanding of his or her work pressures.
2. Being The Other Man or Woman
Did your relationship come to an end because either of you were married? Did your partner promise to get a divorce but reneged on his or her word? Does your ex also have children? Do you think your ex will be able to leave his or her children? Or does your ex expect you to play the role of a surrogate mother or father to his or her children? If these questions are nagging at you, then you must look for their answers for the sake of your relationship. Especially, in case of children, you must decide if you are ready and willing to take on the responsibility of someone else’s children. If they are yours, you and your kids will have to talk about the prospect of letting a new person into your lives.
Do you really think that this kind of relationship does indeed have a future? Or do you even want to be in such a relationship? You must understand that your ex was already cheating on his or her life partner. Therefore, he or she is not likely to have much credibility anyway. Do you feel you can trust this person? If you have been tilting towards giving this relationship another chance at the behest of your ex, then it is advisable that you do so only if some new and favorable development have taken place. If your ex has initiated the process of separation from his or her spouse, then you can think of getting back with him or her. In case you ex is working to get his or her marriage annulled, then, you should wait till the annulment has been finalized. After the separation has come about, your ex and you can talk about a life together.
On the other hand, if you are the one who is married but want to get back to your ex, a divorce proceeding will have to be initiated. Without a divorce, there is no point in harboring dreams of your ex and you together. Getting a divorce is also important because this step will give your ex the confidence he or she needs to have in you. Also, it is reflective of the honesty of your intentions towards him or her.
In case you have children who will be with you after you separate from your spouse, then you will need to sit and explain the situation to your children. They will have to get used to having a new person in the house every day of their lives. A heart-to-heart chat with your ex is also in order. He or she will have to accept your kids as his or her responsibility, and shower them with the same kind of love and affection as you do. He or she too, will have to get used to having kids around him or her all the time, as well as taking on the responsibilities that come with raising children. Do not, in any case, compromise the safety or the future of your children in a bid to get your ex back. It will not be worth the effort.
3. No Physical Attraction Between You and Your Ex
Lack of physical attraction between two people is known to be one of the main causes of all break-ups. Men tend to secretly think that their ex-partner or ex-spouse is not sexy enough. Women often get caught in the drudgery of life, and think of dressing up as a task in itself. Gradually, partners lose interest in one another. This affects the sex life which is an integral part of a healthy relationship. So take out those head-turning outfits from the back of your closet, and don them. You will soon become the only thing your ex remembers.
As a woman, if you have been ensconced in your own comfortable world where you are wearing tracks apparel and jeans, almost never use make-up or perfume, then let this be a wake-up call for you. It is a known fact that men like to see beautiful women. If you have not been taking good care of your physical self, then they are bound to ignore you. You will have to make him realize that you are still the hot, attractive girl that your ex fell in love with. And not just that, you can even make him jealous. When other men ogle at you, your ex will naturally feel envious and is likely to appreciate you more. The second crucial thing is to take control of your sex life. Men never say no to sex. So, if your sex life sucks, then you will have to take steps in resuscitate it.
In order to look attractive, staying in shape is essential, both for men and women. Try to remember the last time you worked out in a gym, or went for a jog. Can’t you remember? So, pick up that gym bag and head for the fitness center. Chart out a fitness regimen that will increase your endurance level. Working out in the gym will make you lean and fit. It will also lend a brilliant glow to your face. Women must work hard on getting those hidden curves out. Whether you are wearing an itsy-bitsy bikini or a clingy dress at an evening out, all the guys will have eyes only for you. If your ex gets jealous, let him. A little jealousy will only help you to get him back.
For guys, too, reducing that pot belly is crucial. No woman likes to be with a man who is bulky and fat. And they are attracted to abs and biceps like a moth to a flame. Also, if you like to roam around in sweaty t-shirts and smelly socks, then no prizes for guessing as to why you lost your love. Take those smart, sexy shirts out of your wardrobe, spray your cologne, and let loose the magic. Your ex is sure to fall for you again hook, line, and sinker.
4. You Have Nothing In Common
Breaking up is one of the most difficult things to do in a relationship. The pain of a break-up is very intense, it becomes unbearable when the heart still wants to be with that person. The mind obviously points towards the reality of the situation. This tug-of-war between the heart and the mind can take a toll on you. Therefore, take the easy way out and make a genuine effort to get back with your ex, be it your lover or spouse!
Often, common backgrounds, interest, and opinions are cited as reasons for perfect compatibility, and therefore, a happy, long-lasting relationship. When a couple does not share interests, opinions, or come from common backgrounds, the two partners tend to get disconcerted by the utter lack of common ground between them. As this difference plays in their mind, they start to drift apart, deepening the wide between them. But this seemingly big problem can be easily solved. The key is to start taking interest in your ex’s interests and hobbies.
The important thing to realize here is that having different areas of interest is not a reason for incompatibility. No two individuals are alike. Also, you will only expand your horizon by meeting and interacting with people whose likes and dislikes are different from yours. Taking an interest in your ex’s interests might call for a mighty effort on your part, but it is worth the effort. Once your ex sees that you are trying to pay attention to his or her interests and hobbies, he or she will respect you more for making that effort, and will bond better with you.
Sometimes it is inevitable that differences crop up because two partners are hardly able to agree on anything. While it is not a bad thing to have a mind of your own, you can only salvage your failing relationship by perhaps being less opinionated. If you are trying to get back with your ex, then it might not be a bad idea to agree with your ex every once in a while. Agreeing with the opinion or decision of your ex can be a big confidence-building measure in your relationship.
It is said that “love is blind”. Therefore, when two people fall in love, the background of the the other person seem meaningless. People from different socio-cultural backgrounds get together in a relationship all the time. But as couples get on with their lives, the differences in backgrounds creep in and may soon reach immense proportions. So one of the most important things in a relationship is to respect the roots and culture of your ex. Asking or expecting your ex to leave behind his or her culture and tradition would not be not be fair.
5. Our Egos and Us
It is often difficult or rather impossible to bring broken relationships back on track mainly due to the egos of the two people involved. The pride and ego of both people stop them from forgiving and forgetting, and patching up. But once you swallow your pride and suppress your ego, you will realize how easy it is to get back the relationship to where it was.
The most difficult aspect of suppressing your ego is admitting that you were wrong and taking responsibility for whatever went wrong with the relationship. But if you are looking for an ideal relationship, then your ego will have to go out of the equation. If your partner has hurt your ego, then the most sensible thing to do will be to forgive your ex for it. There is no need to jeopardize a healthy and loving relationship because of an ego issue. Even if your ex has hurt you a lot, you must forgive him or her for the sake of your relationship.
Ignoring a lot of things or not taking a lot of what your ex said to you in the heat of the moment can do a relationship a lot of good. Focus instead on the positive aspects of your relationship, along with your partner’s positive qualities. If you do this, your ex might also be inspired to follow suit, therefore creating a conducive environment for your relationship to blossom even further. You will then be ready to take your relationship to the next level.
If, however, you are the one who has said hurtful thing to your partner, then you must apologize to him or her. Do not be ashamed of saying that you are sorry and that you regret your words and actions. Explain your words to your ex in a calm and composed manner. Make sure that you do not lie or keep anything away from your ex. It is likely that he or she appreciates the honesty in you and the effort you are making in trying to save the relationship.
No matter how difficult it is to speak to your ex about your mistakes, acknowledging them out in the open is a courageous thing to do. Give your word to your ex that you will not repeat the same mistakes again. While this should normalize your relationship, however, your ex might not feel so generous towards you. So you will have to prepare yourself for that eventuality.
6. Professional vs. Personal life
Relationships are delicate by their nature. They have to be nurtured and cared for. So it is crucial that you try to devote quality time to your relationship. In this highly competitive era, people are at work most of the time to make a living. Free time or day offs have become almost of a theoretical concept. But, the fact remains that devoting some quality time to your relationship is crucial in order to sustain it. You must ask yourself this question – why are you pushing yourself so much at work? Obviously, to have a good life for yourself and for those you love. Now ask yourself another question – what is the point of having a good life if you do not have anyone to share and savor it with?
If you are at work all the time and unable to spend quality time at home with your loved one, or if you are in the habit of taking work home, then your beloved one will naturally start drifting away from you. The physical and emotional distance between you and your partner will gnaw at your relationship, making it weak and susceptible to the lightest of winds. Therefore, even if it means earning a bit less than you normally do, cut back on your work and take some time out for your partner. If you can, try not to bring work home. And most importantly, try to forget about work the moment you arrive home. You will see that sharing some quality time with your loved one will refresh you mentally, and you will be ready to take on the challenges of your professional life with renewed vigor.
Sometimes, not just work but other factors also keep you from spending time with your partner, such as your or your partner’s family. Your family might make demands on you to give them some time, and this may cut back on the time that you actually spend with your partner. The most likely culprits in this situation are the mothers, the mother-in-laws, and sisters. It is your duty to make them realize the fact that while you will remain committed to your family, your commitment towards your partner or spouse is equally important, if not more.
Do not let the insecurities of your family hamper your relationship with your spouse or partner. However, if you give undue attention to your family while your partner or spouse keeps waiting to get some private moments with you, you may be committing the biggest mistake of your life. Your partner or spouse is bound to feel unloved, neglected, and insecure if you spend more time with your family than you do with him or her. This will most likely cast a dark cloud over your romantic relationship. So try to rekindle the romance between your partner and yourself.
7. A Misunderstanding Between Couples
Another common reason for couples breaking up is misunderstanding between the two partners. Honestly speaking, misunderstanding should not be a reason for break-up at all. But it happens with all of us at some point of time. Quite often, we want to say something, it comes out totally differently. Or what you say is misconstrued by your partner. Most of the tiff arising from an out-of-line remark is easy to repair. Of course, there can be some issues beyond repair.
So, the sensible course of action in this case is to allow your partner some time alone. Or, let your partner vent out all of his anger on you. Your explanations can come once your partner has spoken his or her heart out. While explaining your actions to your ex, be calm and gentle. Your ex will still hurl some accusations at you, but do not worry. Maintain your cool and you can be rest assured that the issue will not get out of control. Sometimes, while you are explaining yourself, your ex might still harbor some anger towards you. At that time, if you too get angry and get into an argument with your partner, the matter will only escalate instead of getting resolved.
It has been observed that a lot of misunderstandings occur due to a third person. If your case is the same, then the first thing to do is to eliminate the role of that third person from your lives. You can ask the third person to explain and help resolve the matter, if that person has accidentally committed a faux pas. That person can meet with your ex and explain the situation and context of the matter well. He or she will also be able to apologize for the misunderstanding caused, and also bat on your behalf in front of your ex. If your ex remains unconvinced, then that person can question him or her or explain the situation even further.
But if a third person has knowingly caused misunderstanding between you and your partner, then the situation becomes quite complicated. You will have to analyze why that person wanted to disrupt your love life. There can be plenty of reasons for this. But the most likely reason is that the third person covets you partner too, and therefore, cannot see the two of you happy together. The fact that someone else is also interested in the person you love can give you a sinking feeling. But you must not waste your time. If you are still in love with your ex, then you must reclaim him or her. Winning your ex back will require a lot of hard work. You will have to compete with your rivals at every level and make your ex realize that the two of you are actually truly made for each other.
8. Addiction Problems
Did your break-up come about because either you or your partner was suffering from an addiction problem? If you want to get back with your ex, then first ascertain that the addiction problem has been overcome. You must only try and get back with your ex if you have been fully cured of your addiction. If it was your partner, then make sure that he or she is now completely free of the addiction.
If you are trying to get back with your ex who was addicted to smoking, drinking, or drugs, and if that person has now overcome this addiction, then you must first go and let him or her know you that appreciate this great step taken. You must tell your ex how proud you are of him or her. Such words of appreciation are sure to give your ex a renewed sense of confidence. You should also tell your ex that you are happy that he or she will finally be able to lead a normal life, and enjoy the benign gifts of life.
If the time is right, then express your desire of reviving your relationship with him or her. Although your ex is most likely to be ecstatic at the thought of the two of you getting back, you must not get disheartened if his or her answer is a resolute ‘no’. There can be two probable reasons for a negative answer in this case. First, your ex has met someone else. Or, he or she finds the experience of addiction and then rehab too embarrassing to commit oneself to a relationship.
In case of former, there is not much you can do about the situation but wish your ex all the best in his or her ‘new’ life. But if latter is the reason, then maybe you can try to convince your ex about the idea of getting back together. You can instill some confidence and self-esteem in him or her and tell your ex that you are still very much in love with him or her. These arguments should be enough to make your ex realize how much he or she means to you.
In another scenario of your partner breaking up with you due to your addiction problem, you must first seek counseling about your situation and get enrolled in a rehab center. Once you have been detoxified, only then should you think about your relationship. But in case your addiction persists, then you have to give up all hopes of getting back with your ex. No one wants to spend his or her life with a habitual smoker, drinker, or a drug addict.
Only when you are completely cured of your addiction should you make any contact with your ex. Tell him or her that you are no longer a slave to any sort of addiction, and are working towards a normal, healthy life. While you are at it, you must also reveal your desire to get the relationship back to where you it was. You must make your ex see your true feelings for him or her. Maybe if you are completely honest about your situation and your love for your ex, he or she might consider picking up the relationship from where you two left it.
9. Physical and Mental Scars of Abuse
To start with, you need to answer the question whether you were you physically abused by your partner. If your answer is in the affirmative, then it will be best for you forget all about your ex. Every human being deserves to be treated with respect. And a relationship devoid of respect is also devoid of love, too. There is one thing you must remember: if your partner truly loves you, he or she will never abuse you physically. And no relationship is worth staying in if it entails physical abuse of any form or kind.
Therefore, if you broke up with your partner because of physical or mental abusive, reviving that relationship is out of question. If however, your ex has been undergoing therapy or counseling to counter this problem, you can think of giving him or her chance. Even then, it is best to tread the line cautiously. You do not want to rush into anything that you might regret later. Consult with you family and friends, speak with a counselor. Ask them if they think it is safe to get back with your ex, given his or her history. If you wish, you can also speak with your ex and try to know the reason for his or her behavior. You must return to the relationship only if you are absolutely confident of about your ex’s cured condition.
Now, what to do if you were the one who was being abusive in the relationship? Try remembering the times when you hit your partner, and put yourself in his or her shoes. If you are filled with a sense of self-loathing, then you are on the right track. It is said that the biggest step towards solving a problem is admitting it. You must realize that you will require professional help to get you out of this habit. You must undergo therapy to check the physical abuse that you indulge in from time to time. Focus on the factors that cause such intense agitation in you, and try to eliminate or neutralize each of those factors. You must display extreme patience and perseverance in getting rid of this habit.
Once you know and feel that you have been cured of this problem completely, then you can think about getting back with your ex. Inform your ex of your successful completion of the therapy and about how you have changed as a person. It is also extremely important to apologize to your ex for all the violent outbursts committed by you towards him or her while in your state of rage. Broach the subject of getting back together only when you are convinced that your ex has completely forgiven you, and does not harbor any ill-feeling towards you for your past behavior. This might be difficult, but it will have to be done if you are to get back with your ex.